Gifts have many meanings. Here are 6 tips for giving and receiving without stress.
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“I’m so excited to make gifts for my husband,” Lily* said. “I got the kids involved, so the gifts are coming from all of us. They’re so cute. It’s really hard for them to keep the secret, but they all help each other do it.” She paused for a minute and then said, “But you know, even if they told him beforehand, it wouldn’t matter.” It’s a lot. He’ll like what he gets.”
I asked her how she knew he would like these gifts. She said: Because I have a talent for giving gifts. I spend the entire year carefully listening to things people say to get hints about what everyone I love would like, and I buy a few things long before the holidays. “I can’t always do that with my kids, because what they want changes so quickly as they grow, but with my husband, my friends, and the rest of my family, I have a great reputation for knowing exactly what they want — even things they have no idea what they want.”
Lily knows her favorite colors and foods and the likes and dislikes of all the people she loves. “I enjoy thinking about these things and finding the right thing for everyone. That’s how I show my love. Giving gifts is really my love language,” she said.
“Unfortunately, this does not belong to my husband,” she said.
Gift giving can be complicated
The idea of giving gifts as a love language comes from Gary Chapman’s famous book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Sincere Commitment to Your Mate.
As my Psychology Today colleague Gary Lewandowski points out, while the idea of love languages can be useful, it doesn’t always take into account the complexity of actual relationships. In my experience, for example, when it comes to gift giving, it is very important to take the nuances into account.
A gift lets us know that someone cares about us
Chapman tells us that gifts let us know that someone cares about us. When we look at or touch a gift, we know that person was thinking about us.
Although some offers don’t take the recipient into consideration, in my experience, mismatches occur because most people simply aren’t as gifted at giving gifts as Lily is.
We have multiple ways to give and receive love
What’s important is that romantic partners, friends, and family find ways to let each other know that you love each other. Most of us have multiple ways of giving and receiving love. Gifts are just one of those ways.
Of course, as with many things in life, navigating the gift-giving season may be easier when you and your loved ones speak “the same language.” But with a little work, and without a translator, you can navigate different giving styles in a way that allows you both to feel loved and appreciated. As Lewandowski writes, instead of worrying about your love language, you’ll do much better by learning “as much as you can about relationships so you can set your relationship up for success.”
What do you need to know about relationships to make giving and receiving gifts feel loving for both of you?
- Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not good at choosing gifts. If your partner gives and receives love through gifts, you can work on doing a better job of giving gifts. But remember, you show your love in other ways, too. Instead of beating yourself up for not speaking this love language, try showing your love in other ways this season. Chapman tells us that spending quality time together, expressing your appreciation, offering acts of service, and physical touch are other love languages. There are other ways to love, too, ranging from acts of kindness to picking up your loved one’s clothes and running other errands they don’t have time for this holiday season.
- Don’t take it personally if you are a gift giver but your loved one is not. Pay attention to other ways she expresses her love. Maybe she massages your back or reminds you to call the doctor; Or maybe you’re taking out the trash or doing grocery shopping. All of these small, everyday behaviors may be part of her love language, even if gift-giving is not. Lily, a very wise woman, told me that she knows her husband loves her because… Try To find the perfect gift for her every year. “He almost always makes mistakes, but trying is his love language,” she said. “And everything he gives me, I love, because it came from him, and because he put energy and thought into it.”
- If, unlike Lily, you want the gifts to be exactly what you want, give your loved ones an elaborate list. I learned to do this from my sister-in-law, another very wise woman. These days, my kids, husband, and I create a list of gifts in different price ranges and categories that we desire. Surprises are those we receive, as well as small, unsolicited gifts. And love, as Lily said, is knowing that our loved ones tried.
- Be a good receiver. Try to appreciate and express gratitude for the thought that comes to your mind in the present, even if it is not exactly what you want. Remember that even the “wrong” gift probably requires a lot of effort. Sometimes it’s helpful to point out the reasons why something didn’t work out, so that the gift giver can do better in the future. But this information can usually be obtained more easily if the person does not feel bad about themselves because of what they provided.
- Find other ways to share special moments during the holidays. Some of us love this time of year, while others find it annoying, sad, lonely and overwhelming. Don’t ask your loved ones to feel the way you do these days, but find ways you can all enjoy the season. If you love Christmas lights but don’t celebrate the holiday or don’t want them in your home, you can walk or drive through your neighborhood and admire your neighbors’ decorations. Look for one of the beautiful non-religious sound and light shows shown locally. Go to a candlelight service. These activities don’t have to be seasonal; Candlelight concerts are held on non-holiday days honoring pop, jazz, and country singers across the country and at all times of the year.
- If you like to be pampered but your partner is not the pampering type, don’t worry about waiting for this person to change. Remind yourself of the reasons you love your partner and the ways you know your partner loves you. Then do something to pamper yourself.
A gift is an attempt to capture a feeling, and like all expressions of feeling, it doesn’t always work. As you open gifts in your home this year, keep in mind that love is more than what’s inside a wrapped gift box, more than one moment in time, and more than one language.
*Names and identifying information have been changed for privacy reasons.
Gift giving is often seen as a way to show love and appreciation for others, but it is not always the perfect love language for everyone. While some people may feel cherished and valued when receiving gifts, others may not place as much importance on material possessions. It is important to recognize that different individuals have different love languages, and understanding and respecting these preferences is key to fostering meaningful connections in relationships. Thus, while gift giving can be a meaningful way to express love, it is important to acknowledge that it may not be the ideal love language for everyone.